NL

'I am an open book'

Esmay van Loenen is an extravert. And queer. Never shying away from controversy in her work. And she grew up in the Dutch Bible belt, where the prevailing motto was that famous Dutch expression: ‘just act ordinary, because that’s crazy enough.’ It was a recipe for rebellion, but what Esmay is really trying to do with her hyper-personal works, is build bridges between her two contrasting worlds.
A huge timeline livens up the wall of Esmays atelier. It’s part of her current graduation project, for which she is creating an art installation about her own life. The timeline already reveals a peek of the moments that will be shown. Among them are her first menstruation (photos of bloody panties), and the removal of her intrauterine device: it’s put on the timeline, wrapped in a nice little bag. The timeline depicts how she went from ‘gamer girl’ to ‘art ho’. And right above that, the festive balloon letters spell ‘boy or girl’. In this written interview, we may refer to Esmay with they/them or she/her, since Esmay is gender fluid.

All art is personal, but Esmay takes it a bit further and really lets you get under her skin. ‘I feel a strong need to document my experiences. I am an open book. In my graduation work, I will be exploring where my boundaries lie exactly, but this openness will remain the core and main strength of my work.’

Bible belt

The fact that Esmay came from the Bible belt, is an important theme in her work. In Museum de Fundatie, she did an expo with an installation that had a large crucifix with a circle on it. ‘The femininity symbol combined with the Christian cross. As in: believe in yourself; in something other than God.’ Esmay describes the Bible belt as a bubble. One that she like to investigate. For her graduation work, she is interviewing people at church, along with friends that have also been raised as Christians and are now queer. ‘My research is not only about the church, but also about the Calvinistic environment and modes of thought: this “be normal, because that’s crazy enough” attitude. Because you see, I am not capable of acting normal. I want to act weird. Being queer is not just about sexual orientation for me, but about the permission to be different. And what does being normal mean anyway?’ But nonetheless, Esmay is not seeking to polarize, but instead to connect and build bridges. ‘The church community is also very nice, even though I am no longer religious myself. It’s about the unity, about love.’
Connecting, is what Esmay finds important. Within the Fine Art course as well, she is a uniting factor: organising boardgame nights, speaking with everyone. ‘This idea of the individual art practice is a bit less pronounced for me. My practice is more about togetherness, and more light-hearted. That’s also what I envision for the future of art: more cooperation, and thereby initiating change in society.’

Before she came to HKU, Esmay studied at the secondary vocational art school at Nimeto. ‘That was also creative, but much more confined and tame. And so I started tearing at the walls. Because I want to make art. Fine Art at HKU was the only course for which I had signed up after my graduation. I just had to go to this one, there was no plan B.’

Her determination became even stronger after visiting the open day. ‘I was quite nervous to go there, but the atmosphere at this school was so positive. When I walked through all the ateliers, I fully opened up. Someone had created a mould shaped like breasts. Coincidentally, I had just made one myself, of my own breasts. It made me think: “wow, people are doing what I’m doing as part of their education. And it counts as art!”

Trying and discovering

Now that she is in her last year of study, she can safely conclude that HKU has lived up to her expectations. ‘I have experienced that I can do what I want here. There are so many things you can try out and discover. That fits me well. The class material is very diverse. One thing I would like to tell first-year students, is that they need to be assertive. To stand up for yourself. That requires a bit of self-discipline.’

So what will the future bring for Esmay? She laughs and says: ‘I’ve been getting that question a lot lately. I would like to have my own atelier, and want to give workshops. I like to organise things, together with others. I want to create something that people can relate to, even people without an artistic background. You won’t find any vague stories with me; my work still contains that typical Dutch directness.’